funny the way it is

So, as you know, my dad and I went to see Guster last night at the House of Blues in Cleveland. I'm going to be VERY honest with you right now. I was kind of nervous about going to this show. I didn't know if I could handle it. Don't get me wrong, Guster's great and I love my dad, but, well...The last time I was at the House of Blues, I Fell In Love With a Guy. Head over heels, butterflies in my stomach, dangerously in love. And the crazy part was, he fell in love with me, too. At least I think so. And so, I was nervous to be in that place for the first time not only since I fell in love, but also since I was instructed that it would be in my best interest to also fall out of love. So many places in that venue bring back memory after memory after memory. And so, I was pretty nervous to go back. I didn't know what feelings it would bring out or emotions that it would reveal. But it's Guster and it's dad and it's life, so I went.
And to continue with the honesty, it was...interesting. It felt how I remember feeling walking around my childhood home one last time before we moved out. It reminded me of leaving my college dorm room one last time. It was my last night in the fraternity house, walking from room to room, missing all of the life that once inhabited that space. I felt nostalgic, reminiscent, and a little bit empty. I didn't walk around the venue, recreating moments in my head or anything like that. I saw where we stood at the foot of the stairs having our first talk ever, about being Irish, talking about my cousin's wedding and how all the boys wore kilts in honor of his Scottish bride-to-be's heritage. We talked about family, friends, life. I saw where we stood watching the concert at the edge of the pit. I remember standing in front of him, not seeing his face but knowing he was there. Reaching back to hold on to his pocket for safety in the throws of the moshers. I remember where he bought me my first drink, where he kissed me good night after the second show. I saw where his cousin puked his guts out, and the place where I was standing when I realized it wasn't a joke and he actually had peed all over his pants. I wondered how many other people had fallen in love in that place and how their relationships were working out for them. I saw all of those things and just. felt. empty.
And then the concert started. I was there with the man I've loved as long as I've known how to love watching a band I've loved since I was a teenager, and I was full. Full of love for the band, full of love for my dad, full of love for the possibility of all that is to come. Because, yes, that night was amazing and fantastic and life changing in the truest sense of the word. But as Johnny and Ponyboy Curtis and (I guess) Robert Frost say, nothing gold can stay. After all, I wasn't even supposed to really be at the concert that night I fell in love. (Cue Dante in Clerks, "I'm not even supposed to be here today!") I wasn't out to meet anyone that night, I wasn't looking for a relationship, and to be honest, I never thought a boy like that would fall in love with a girl like me (more on that one later). But I was there. And I did fall in love. And so did he. And I continued to love, with all that I was. And, unfortunately, that just wasn't enough (more on that later, too). So you brush it off, find the lesson, and keep on keeping on. Because, really, what else can you do?
That all being said, I am glad that I went tonight. I needed to be in that space and know that it exists no matter what. That I will persevere just as that space does. And if I can find love in that space there along with so many others, love is waiting for me in other places, too. Probably when I least expect it.