jaded

in a former life i dated a boy who was obsessed with songs that had the word "jaded" in them.  he had a laundry list.  a top fav was runaway train by soul asylum.  jaded, by aerosmith, an obvious choice, was not found on his list of loves.  i'm not sure what his fascination was with the word, but he loved it.  and nearly 10 years after the demise of our relationship, every time i hear the word i think of him.

per the good people of the freedictionary.com, jaded means the following:

jad·ed  (jdd) adj.

1. Worn out; wearied: "My father's words had left me jaded and depressed" (William Styron).

2. Dulled by surfeit; sated: "the sickeningly sweet life of the amoral, jaded, bored upper classes" (John Simon).

3. Cynically or pretentiously callous.

i find this fantastic because i left the relationship feeling pretty jaded.  i was worn out.  wearied.  i was dulled.  callous and cynical.  i'm not anymore.  at least not in context to the relationship.  time has a funny way of easing the pain, dulling the memory, reinvigorating belief in love and positive relationships.  but, for awhile, jaded i was.  

after extensive research a google search, i have found that there seems to be no connection between the word jaded in the context above and the stone jade, which is green.  this is unfortunate because i was really hoping that there was.  however, the post began before the research, as all good dissertations do, and so on i will continue.

what takes you back to a past relationship, romantic or otherwise?  we all have our triggers.  i have been told on numerous occasions that don't stop believing specifically and journey as a whole often serve as reminders of me, as does dave matthews.  there are places, songs, movies, scents that will inextricably link my mind to specific people until my memory is no longer.  music is by far the greatest trigger in my life.  i sometimes pretend feel like there is a soundtrack to my life.  

and it is difficult, because i do not necessarily believe that these connections serve some hidden deep agenda of perpetual love, involvement, or association.  but the mind is an insane thing that way.  who knows what can jog the memory and what that memory will be of!  and for every memory like this that we have of others, there is a memory someone has of us.  a little awkward, a little comforting.  this is one of the things i enjoy most about relationships and communication...the constant reciprocation of impact and influence.  for better or for worse.  i have learned more from relationships that i have been involved in about what i do NOT want than what i actually DO hope to experience in future relationships.  and that's okay by me...a lesson is still learned, impact is felt, and the experience is worth it.  and as a really smart kid once told me, the juice is worth the squeeze...all the hurt, all the happiness, all love, all the passion, all the anger, all the laughs...it's all worth it because it brings you to where you are in the present...so while i don't love the fact that words, songs, etc.  remind me of people that i don't necessarily want to think about, they brought me to where i am today.  and that juice is definitely worth the squeeze.  and it is nothing to be jaded about at all.